Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

Https://doi.org/10.56935/hij.v1i1.6

My perspective and history with COVID-19: A near

death experience.

Edith Florez Félix

Universidad Iberoamericana Tijuana, Centro Universitario Ave. #2501 Playas de Tijuana,

22500 Tijuana, B.C. México.

Corresponding author: Edith Florez Félix, Universidad Iberoamericana Tijuana, Centro Universitario

Ave. #2501 Playas de Tijuana, 22500 Tijuana, B.C. México. E-mail: tp1244@correo.tij.ibero.mx.

Abstract. - The year 2020 changed my life as well as those of many people in the world due

to the COVID-19 pandemic. Personally, when I acquired the disease, I lived complex times

that started with the initial signs and symptoms of this pathology and that nowadays affect

my quality of life. It is especially important for me to share this chronicle of my life to share

my story and the strategies that allowed me to move on.

Keywords: Perspective; COVID-19; Nursing; Intensive Care.

1. Introduction

Through the following chronicle, I wish to

narrate my close experience with death

due to having contracted COVID-19. These

words may seem harsh, but they were (and

are) part of my reality, and today I finally

feel ready to tell this story. It is very

important to me that other people know

about my experience, including the

emotions that accompanied me

throughout the process, as well as the

negative impact it had on me and my

family. But more importantly, I want to

share the strategies that allowed me to

overcome it and be here today writing this

memoir and testimony, because I know

that there are people out there who, like

me, suffered something similar and I want

them to know that they are not alone, that

there are always ways to move forward.

When the COVID-19 pandemic reached

Tijuana, the hospitals in the municipality

were quickly overwhelmed, healthcare

professionals were not enough, nor was

the material and equipment. Knowing that

people, including co-workers, were

hospitalized and/or dying without the

possibility of seeing their family again was

something that terrified me.

The fear of contagion and the fear of being

hospitalized could be felt. Despite the

latent risk, like the vast majority of

healthcare workers, I continued to

perform my duties, which consisted of

providing consultancy to elderly people -

assuming, of course, the necessary

precautions - since this group of the

population demanded health care

attention not related to COVID. However,

the care I took was not enough, nor was

the fact that I seemed to be healthy.

Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

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2. Development

2.1 The consultation

On Wednesday, December 21, 2020, I woke

up and my body was not the same. I felt

bad, with symptoms of a common cold,

however, I never imagined that I already

had COVID symptoms. The intensity of my

discomfort led me to the difficult decision

to go to a consultation. Upon arriving at

the hospital, I could see a crowd waiting to

be attended.

At that moment, I knew that the attention

I was going to receive was probably not

going to be the most appropriate. It was

very hard and difficult to observe the

helplessness of my colleagues. Due to the

work overload, the lack of knowledge

regarding how to treat the disease, and the

shortage of personnel and supplies, they

had to attend hastily and prescribe

practically the same treatment based on

what they had available.

At that moment, a myriad of emotions

invaded me. I felt sadness, despair,

frustration, fear, and helplessness all at

once. Memories of when I was in that same

hospital working, without imagining that I

would return as a patient in the midst of a

pandemic, assaulted me. This paradoxical

reality seemed impossible to believe.

Emotions were taking over me when

suddenly I felt great relief in the midst of

my own chaos when I saw a familiar face.

A nurse friend who was working in the

COVID area. My friend, realizing my

presence, approached me, was very

empathetic and affectionate, provided me

with moral and psychological support that

gave me a little calm. Little by little, I

calmed down and was able to see the

positive things in the environment, such as

the fact that the area was clean and

disinfected.

When I was finally consulted, the attention

I received was as I had anticipated:

precarious. Like the other people, they had

prescribed me treatment as if what I had

was a "common cold." This led me to feel

sad and desperate again, especially when

the doctor told me, "hospitalization is not

necessary, go home." I followed the

medical instructions, but the reality is that

I did not feel well. When night fell, the

intensity of my discomfort made me go to

the consultation for the second time, but

once again it was not possible to stay

hospitalized because the doctor informed

me that "There are no beds available in the

hospital for you to stay, stay at home."

At that moment, I was overcome with fear

of having to go back home and possibly

infecting my daughters, but I had no

alternative. They, upon learning that there

were no beds and that my health was

deteriorating, were scared and didn't

know what to do. When I returned home, I

couldn't think clearly and felt physically

unwell. As a precaution for my family, I

decided to isolate myself in my room. I was

very confused and afraid; on one hand, I

knew I needed medical attention, but

there were no beds available, and on the

other hand, if I were hospitalized, I didn't

Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

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know when I would see my daughters

again.

2.2 The Visit

I feel very fortunate to have people who

have become valuable friendships over the

years, but none gave me as many blessings

in life as the day my best friend came to my

house. She is also a nurse, and despite

knowing that visiting me could result in

her getting infected, she came to check on

me and evaluate my health. As soon as she

saw me, she said, "You can't stay at home

anymore. You have to go to the hospital. If

you don't, you might not survive the

illness." Hearing that, I experienced the

greatest fear of my life. I had never felt

anything like it before, but I knew she was

right.

I had to muster up a lot of courage to say

goodbye to my daughters, my mom, and

the rest of my family. Then I got into my

friend's car, and we headed to the hospital.

The journey was tough, and my fear kept

growing. That day, I didn't return home. I

was hospitalized in a place where I no

longer recognized anything or anyone. It

wasn't the same place where I had worked

and lived happy moments with great

satisfaction. At that moment, all the staff

were wearing protective gear, and the

hospitalization area had become a space

exclusively for treating people diagnosed

with COVID. In the reserved area, there

was an atmosphere of sadness and

desolation.

Slowly, I lost track of time. I don't

remember exactly how many days had

passed. The only constant was the fear

that I never stopped feeling, which turned

into terror when on December 31st, my

health deteriorated even more. That day,

my best friend, the same one who had

taken me to the hospital, who was the head

nurse in that area, approached me and

said, "The doctor tells me that your lungs

can't take it anymore. You have to be

intubated." At that moment, I felt

something cold run through my body. I

remember pleading with her, "Please make

sure they give me the necessary attention.

I don't want to die. I entrust my daughters

to you." I closed my eyes as tightly as I

could and prayed to God, "Lord, I put

myself in your hands. Make the most

appropriate decision for me." That is my

last memory of that moment.

2.3 The process of living or dying.

It may seem strange, but throughout the

entire time I needed respiratory support, I

thought and felt that my life was "normal."

As if nothing had happened, my mind was

able to create a parallel life where I didn't

even know I was intubated. There were

also moments when I experienced

happiness, fear, and sadness accompanied

by tears. On several occasions, I felt as if

"someone" was pressing on my chest. I had

the opportunity to "talk" with people who

had already passed away; and I remember

that, on repeated occasions, I "walked"

through the hospital corridors. In general,

according to the most significant

moments that I experienced while

intubated, I could describe them as

"chapters" which I have very present and

remember perfectly.

Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

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2.3.1 First chapter

The shortest of all chapters, I simply

walked down a street in the town where I

was born (Teziutlán, Puebla) where there

is a church of the Virgen del Carmen. A

place where I used to take my daughters

when they were little and used to play.

2.3.2 Second chapter

I was having a conversation with a doctor

who told me: "I'm going to transfer you to

another clinic." We were going back and

forth between different clinics and

hospitals, since everywhere refused to

receive me because I was "infected." What

seemed incredible to me is that in those

places, people had the shape of fruits.

2.3.3 Third chapter

I was in a place where there were sick

people who told me: "You are the nurse

who is going to take care of us." The area

seemed like a very old movie, so much so

that, although I tried, it was impossible for

me to recognize the place, but the place

seemed ancient.

2.3.4 Fourth Chapter

I remember dying and being immersed in

what felt like a "movie," where I could see

what was happening around me. I saw my

mother crying bitterly, while my father

tried to console her by saying, "Calm

down." My mother felt misunderstood by

that comment and told my dad, "You don't

understand my feelings because you didn't

give birth to her." At that moment, my best

friend arrived and told my mom, "I'm going

to take you to see your daughter's body."

Suddenly, everything before disappeared,

and my daughters appeared crying, but I

didn't understand why. I remember this

chapter so clearly that it still causes me

uncertainty and sadness, especially seeing

my mother devastated.

2.3.5 Fifth Chapter

There I was, immersed in a "fight" or

"game" (I'm not sure which) between two

characters. One claimed to be an envoy

from God, and the other claimed to be an

envoy from hell. Where I ended up,

whether heaven or hell, depended on the

winner. Those were moments that became

very strange because they caused me fear

and sensations that I couldn't explain.

2.3.6 Sixth Chapter

I was standing in a very peaceful place that

resembled a forest where there were

people in the form of elves. I felt very

nostalgic. The reason being, those people

didn't allow me to enter because they said

I had to first go through decontamination.

However, at that moment, a man appeared

and told them, "Let her pass, don't worry, I

will give her medicine, and after that, she

can interact with you. I will assign her a

place where she can recover and be calm."

Suddenly, I heard the voice of a friend and

other friends who had come to visit me in

that enigmatic place.

2.3.7 Seventh Chapter

Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

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The last moment I remember is in the

same place as the previous chapter, where

unexpectedly, I heard a supreme voice

that said, "You're not going to die, don't

worry." As that person spoke to me, I felt a

strong tug in my chest accompanied by a

very unpleasant sensation of "going and

not going." Today, I know that sensation in

my chest may have been the resuscitation

I received.

All of these chapters are probably

reflections of the emotions I experienced

before being intubated and in relation to

what I may have experienced, heard, or felt

while sedated. I will never know for sure.

It's evident that I've lost track of time

between one chapter and the next. I

remained intubated for a long time, where

there were days when it seemed like I was

going to die, and others where I was stable.

2.3.8 The Awakening

After three months of uncertainty,

anguish, and suffering for my family and

friends, the doctor treating me spoke to

my family and said, "There is nothing else

we can do. Say goodbye to her, because we

have done everything we can and she is

not responding." However, one day before

my 42nd birthday, to everyone's surprise, I

was able to wake up from sedation. There

was too much confusion in my head, I felt

totally disoriented, I didn't know who I was

or what I was doing there.

For a moment, I was very scared, but I felt

relieved to "hear my daughters' voices,"

but that was impossible because they still

weren't allowed to come in and see me.

Gradually, I became aware of my reality - I

was connected to a ventilator, I had a

tracheostomy! There were many machines

around me; immediately, I remembered

the times in my professional life when I

found myself in that same scenario, but I

was the nurse! This time, I was the patient!

It was an extremely impactful moment.

Once I was aware of my surroundings and

what was happening, the days became so

hard and complex that I wouldn't want to

experience anything like that again. In my

room, one doctor came in and another

went out, they came and went. They

constantly took blood gases, which caused

me a lot of pain. Until March 28, 2021, the

best day up until then, they told me that I

would be discharged, I could go home.

It was a very beautiful moment but full of

fear for my daughters because I was going

home with the tracheostomy. At that time,

I didn't imagine what it would be like to go

home with it, I didn't know how difficult it

would be to stop relying on that small hole

to breathe normally, or the anxiety or

panic I would experience. That day, the

nurses and doctors who had attended to

me for so many days said goodbye. I finally

went home!

During my stay in the hospital, I always had

the support of people who care about me

and who stayed around me all the time,

keeping an eye on my health. However, I

went through very difficult and hard times

that I wouldn't want to experience again. I

can't even imagine what my mother went

through with my severity and not being

able to visit me in the hospital because it

Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

Https://doi.org/10.56935/hij.v1i1.6

wasn't allowed. We have talked about it in

tears, and she has told me that this

situation caused her a trauma that she

remembers bitterly.

2.3.9 The Recovery

I think the hardest part of this experience

has been the recovery. The reason is that

despite having physical therapy and

rehabilitation sessions, as well as

specialized medical attention, my body

was left with various significant sequelae,

which limit me from continuing my life

normally.

It has been a real challenge to face and

adapt to my new life. Seeing my autonomy

limited, losing the job that brought me so

much satisfaction, and the activities I used

to do regularly has been very painful for

me, to the point that I have questioned

whether surviving COVID was a good thing

or not.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'm the only

one who thinks that way at times. Anyone

who has experienced a similar situation

could question the same thing.

I have to admit that, although it has been

difficult for me, I thank God for allowing

me to live. I have truly fought every day to

achieve my physical, emotional, and

spiritual recovery.

And today, thanks to this testimonial

memory, I have been able to come to the

conclusion that if I am here, it is because

God has allowed it and for some purpose

He has for me. Among the strategies that

have helped me to recover physically and

emotionally are music therapy, deep

meditation, inhalation therapy, and

physical rehabilitation. In this sense, the

day my therapist placed a mirror in front

of me as part of the session left a profound

impact on my life.

For a moment, I didn't seem to recognize

myself, I experienced pain, I felt that I was

not the same, it was a very striking

confrontation for me. Finally, I was able to

appreciate every achievement I had made

up to that point, and I was able to establish

that the small goals and challenges I had

set for myself were being completed or

were in progress.

3. Conclusion

The experience I had with COVID has been

an event that has marked my life. It is clear

that not only I have been in this situation,

but a sector of society has as well.

However, based on my experience, I would

like to recommend that we should

strengthen our healthcare systems, as this

pandemic has taught us that we are

vulnerable people and that we must be

united as a society.

I would also like our national healthcare

system to review the regulation of

retirement and pensions. As I mentioned

before, the effects of COVID-19 made it

impossible for me to continue working as

a specialized nurse.

Unfortunately, the institution I worked for

decided to terminate my contract without

any financial commitment (such as a

Horizon Interdisciplinary Journal (HIJ). Volume 1 (1): 18-24

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pension, compensation, etc.), which has

made it difficult for me both personally

and financially for my family.

Public health institutions, while they have

a commitment to the beneficiaries and/or

people who seek consultation or

treatment, have an unavoidable moral (and

undoubtedly legal) commitment to the

staff who work in the institution, who in

reality make it possible for the entity to

fulfill the social function entrusted to it by

the State. It is not the institution's hand

that holds the syringe or places the gauze.

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